Sorry? Did you say something? I wasn’t really listening. I look tired? Yeah I am a little. Oh, my day went well; we had great weather. I won the 1500m race and my schoolhouse won overall. Proud? God, it was only an athletics carnival; it wasn’t big or anything. I already told you, I’m fine, just a little tired, that’s all. Fainted? Who told you that? A teacher? Which teacher? Well, she didn’t know anything. I didn’t really faint; I felt dizzy and a bit weak so they sat me down for a while. Nothing major. Why? I don’t know why. No, I didn’t push myself too hard. Yes, I’m fine now. Of course I ate lunch! I had an apple and the salad I prepared this morning. Yes it was enough; it wasn’t like I was still hungry afterwards. Why? I did so eat breakfast! I had my usual: half an apple cut up with half a cup of plain yoghurt, like always. I don’t know why you’re making such an issue out of this, I just felt dizzy, but they made a big fuss about it. I’m fine now.

The semi-final is on the twelfth; I’m going to be third speaker. I don’t know. I haven’t really had time to think about being nervous or not. Amy and Meg are debating with me. They’re good speakers. They are, I just hate the way they get their mothers to write their speeches for them. They do! You’d think by now they’d have learnt to write their own debates. No, I’m not worried about their speeches being more mature than mine, but if they don’t write their own speeches, then they aren’t going to know their argument as well, so they won’t be as convincing when they read their debate. No, I’m not going to say anything. They’re still my friends; besides it will be on their heads if we lose because they don’t know their debates well enough. Do I think we’ll win? I don’t know! It’s not like I can see into the future or anything. I’d prefer not to think about it. Can I turn on the radio? I’m just sick of talking. I’m tired, I’ve had long day, that’s all.

A repeat of the last debate? What’s that meant to mean? So, I got a little stressed at the last debate. I had good reason to be stressed. The other team was so threatening! They sat there, making faces at our team and coughing ever-so-loudly just when we were making our most important points and to top it all off, the judge was a relative of one of their speakers! My team wasn’t ready either, and I completely screwed up my debate. I did! That whole last part was made up and didn’t make any sense what-so-ever and now we are going to come up against the same team in the semi-final. I just got so worked up, that was all. I had to let it all out. I’ll be fine this time, so long as I don’t stuff my debate up again.

Stop what? Oh sorry, it’s become a habit of mine. I’ve started chewing my cuticles. I don’t mean to. I know; I bite my bottom lip too. Nervous of what? I don’t chew my cuticles because I’m nervous, it’s just one of those things. I do it unconsciously. I’m a little cold; do you mind if I turn the heater on? Oh, a cold wind blew through in the afternoon and it grew quite chilly. That’s better. Just needed to warm myself up. Yeah, weird huh? My knuckles have started turning black from the cold, and it isn’t even winter yet. I’m sure it’s nothing serious. Circulation? I haven’t really bothered myself about it. Low blood pressure? Why would I have low blood pressure? I told you, I eat perfectly well, that wouldn’t be the reason.

Dinner at Kate’s was nice; her Mum made my favourite, roast chicken, then apple pie for dessert. It was great. Oh, you rang Kate’s Mum did you? How is she? Yes I did! I just wasn’t feeling very hungry so I didn’t eat much. Oh, it would have been more than a third. A quarter? What’s the big deal anyway, I wasn’t hungry. I just didn’t want any. I didn’t mean to insult her. I was very grateful that she had gone to all that trouble. I don’t know why on earth they’d be worried, there’s nothing wrong with me. I eat fine, I’m just cautious. I like to know that I’m eating healthy food. Is that a crime? I think I’m old enough now to decide what is good for me. I just have my own way of cooking and preparing food, and I like my way better than any one else’s.

What rumours? How would the primary school kids know what I eat for lunch? Oh come on; why should they admire me? I’m just a Year Ten student. They look up to me? How could they know me anyway? Assemblies? Oh, come on; no student concentrates that hard at assemblies! No, I haven’t thrown my lunch out before. Their mothers are worried? Well, it’s not my fault if their children throw their lunches out. I know I’ve won all those subject prizes and awards; I didn’t ask for those certificates, and that’s no reason for a primary school kid to copy me. Okay, so I’ve thrown my lunch out once or twice; so what. I just wasn’t hungry those days. I didn’t ask those kids to copy me. Sorry? My God! It’s none of your business what I eat or do at school. So what if you’re my mother, I think I’m old enough to take care of myself and be responsible for my own actions.

Don’t! What? I don’t like being touched. I know you’re my Mother, but I’m just not a very huggable person – you should know that. I just don’t like being touched, that’s all. I’m tense because I’m tired; how many times do I have to tell you that! Do you think you could allow me just five minutes of peace? Is it that difficult? I know you’ve had a hard day too, I never said you hadn’t, which is why I think five minutes of silence might do us both good.

A psychologist? What do you want me to see a psychologist for? Do you think I’m crazy or something? There’s nothing on my mind; I don’t need to talk to anybody, let alone a stranger. There is nothing wrong with me; I don’t know what gives you the idea that there is. What! I’m not missing out on inter-schools just to talk. I just won’t go. You can’t make me go and see this psychologist person. I have to run in the championships! Cut back my running? I’ve got to train Mum! It’s all I know! Why should I cut back running? You don’t have to worry about me; I’m fine. I’ve told you a hundred times already. Just don’t stop me from training. You can’t, I have to run, because I have to stay fit. Everyone thinks I should slow down? What, has everyone been conspiring behind my back? They just don’t want to see me succeed. You can’t stop me from doing the one thing I’m good at. You can’t.

I am looking at myself! I am happy with the way I look. (Maybe a couple of kilos lighter would be good…) oops. I wasn’t meant to say that out loud. Isn’t every teenage girl conscious of their weight? Oh, around fifty kilos. Another five kilos would be good. It’s not a big issue. I know what I’m doing Mum, you don’t have to worry about me, worry about yourself instead; you know you need to lose weight. Why? I’m just making sure that I don’t grow fat. (I just don’t want to ever be as fat as you…) oh nothing; I didn’t say anything. I know it’s highly unlikely, but I’m just being careful.

How do you know that? Have you been snooping through my room? How could you know that, unless…you’ve been talking to my friends behind my back, haven’t you? How dare you! They’re my friends. I can’t believe you! Talk about a violation of my trust! I violated your trust? How? By lying? What have I lied about? My friends don’t know anything anyway. No they don’t; they don’t even talk to me anymore. I don’t know what I did, but they just sort of drifted away, as if they can’t stand to be associated with me any longer. Well, since the start of the year Amy has begun to hang around with Jess, and they don’t even ask me to sit with them anymore. I’m not going to just go and sit with them; they can’t even look me straight in the eye and I know they talk about me behind my back. I don’t care; I don’t need them anyway. They probably just told you lies to make me look bad. They’re jealous, that’s it. I don’t need them. I just want to be left alone.

Excuse me? I just pigged out at Lisa’s party and I felt sick so I vomited to make myself feel less bloated. Oh Mum it was once, it’s not like it killed me. No, I’m not taking laxatives; I don’t even know what laxatives do. How do I see myself? What kind of a dumb question is that? I don’t really see myself as anything. I didn’t know I was meant to think about myself like that. I don’t know; I’m just average. My bones do not stick out! You’re just looking for something that isn’t there. Anorexia Nervosa? Don’t be ridiculous! I don’t have an eating disorder! Where did that come from? I’m just preventing myself from ever being fat. I just like to feel fit and healthy. I am so healthy! Hospital? Are you kidding me? So what, I’m crazy and sick? Well what do you expect me to think! I told you, I’m not anorexic! Why won’t you believe me?

My last period? I don’t know; I don’t keep track! I s’pose four or five months ago, maybe more. Anorexics don’t get their period? But I’ve been telling you the truth. I don’t want to lie to you. Always cold? Iron deficiency? Always tired? What are you trying to say Mum? The truth? I can’t, I…I just; I…I don’t know. Ok. I fold. I’m forty-one kilos.

There. Are you satisfied now? Don’t put me into hospital Mum. That’s completely unnecessary. I don’t need help. I’m not ready for help. (I haven’t felt the full effects of it yet…) sorry! It wasn’t meant to come out like that. Honesty? I have been honest, I’ve…I have…Oh Mum. I don’t think you really want the truth. I don’t think you can handle it…Ok! I’m fat! I’m flabby, repulsive, bloated, chunky and revolting! I hate the idea of being fat! I can’t stand being fat! Is that it? Is that what you wanted to hear? Are you satisfied?

Don’t cry Mum, why are you crying? Die? Don’t be stupid! I can stop myself whenever I like; I’m not ready to stop yet. You don’t cry yourself to sleep with worry, you don’t! Don’t lie! Don’t make me feel guilty Mum. Don’t put the blame on me. Please. It’s not about being happy or not. I can’t let myself get fat! It’s not your fault Mum! It’s no one’s fault. There is nothing to be at fault of! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! Stop crying please!

I can’t be the perfect daughter; I can’t do it. Don’t put me in hospital Mum! I can do it on my own. No, of course not. Of course I don’t want to die.